Icky-ness!

Icky-ness!

Thursday evening was one that I was eagerly anticipating. Excitedly awaiting for a plethora of weeks. This was in response to being able to venture out of the comfort of the place I call home, after being invited to attend a gig of one of my darling, musically talented and intellectual friends, Bill.

Gigs, venturing out (especially in the evening) or deviating from what is familiar to me, has never been an option for numerous years, as an invasive control of Anorexia Nervosa, OCD, depression and anxiety. Holding me captive to the imprisonment of my mind and the traps of indoors.

Thus, my surprising excitement for Thursday evening was welcomed as I felt that I was self developing, understanding what life truly means so to live happily. Surrounding myself with beautiful other souls who uplift and nourish me.

I felt as if I was now the one in control of me! The tables and cogs of the well oiled machine were drastically shifting away from dear Anorexia ruling one of her prisoners. I was set to soar. To fly with my wings outstretched, to grasp life with every ounce of my being!

All was proving swimmingly, conversing with friends, managing dinner prior to the performance and being introduced to new individuals and environments.

Although, if I retract slightly, I must admit the day proved anxiety provoking with my mind fooling me with a concoction of anxious thoughts and disheartening words fed to me. I shan’t venture into detail as to what all of these voices expressed, as I would be here all evening! They simply were irrational, lugubrious and unwarranted. Fortunately, I sought refuge through friends and family, conversing to them about what and how I was feeling, so to navigate my way through.

*A little side note: I implore all to inform others of how one is feeling so that one is kept safe and comforted in times of distress, as there is absolutely nothing for loathsome than not being understood. I understand the courage required to be open with others about one’s thoughts and feelings, but such definitely assist long term.

Returning to the evening in question, the performance involved all to sit to watch three fabulously talented acts, for an extended duration of time.

To the average person, the act of sitting, in any environment, is generally not questioned, thought of or overanalysed. However, those who know me well know that I despise sitting, preferring to stand and pace with every opportunity; not being able to remain still as stillness relates to no energy exertion and feelings of distaste of self.

Expressing that I struggle with sitting, a natural daily act, takes courage and transparency. When other inquisitive souls enquire as to why I stand, I usually respond with:

“Oh, I stand due to lower back problems. Standing ensures that I can stretch out and not feel any discomfort.”

(Technically, not a fabrication as I do experience lower back pain. Although, as the years have proceeded, I have used this almost as an excuse to protect Anorexia as she informs me that sitting is terrible!).

Or…

“I simply prefer standing. Haven’t you heard of standing desks? These present the way of the future!”

Sitting.

So there I found myself, outside of my comfort zone sitting watching the first act.

After an hour, I began to feel uncomfortable, a stinging, tingling and numbness sensation of the legs and body, unable to concentrate on the performances and my surroundings, unable to breathe properly, heart increasing in rate, negative thoughts of self, feelings of physical expansion and wishing to burst out of the room to shed the weight I hold on this earth.

Standing up and migrating to a standing table at the back of the premise, was the only reasonably sane act I could contemplate and embark on to protect myself from further discomfort and anxiety.

I was whole heartedly disheartened as I permitted the anxiety and illnesses to encroach, especially when this occasion was suppose to signify a joyous evening, celebrating Bill’s talents and accomplishments whilst being in the gorgeous company of amazing others. I felt egocentric, ridiculous, an anomaly, a monster, alien, imposter and incongruent with life, desiring the power of invisibility.

How is it that life can be proceeding marvellously until something so minute can alter the switch in one’s mind for all to appear catastrophised?

Fortunately, all surrounding me understood and respected my discomfort, making me feel that my peculiar idiosyncrasies were embraced and natural. Although I felt like a miserably terrible and awful “freak” (a term I would never place on another or use loosely, as such holds immense cruelty! Yet this is how I felt about towards myself), I did not allow the voices and thoughts distract me from the remainder of the evening as being honest with others about what made me uncomfortable, ensured a sense of unity and mutual respect, which I am eternally grateful for.

Similarly, I began to quietly congratulate myself for sitting for the duration of dinner and an hour of the performances, as I went from not ever being able to sit to sitting in public. This meant that I was challenging myself. Small steps possibly, yet these increments propel one forwards to eventually take giant leaps of faith.

Remembering that even when one feels inadequate, an aberration or disengaged with society, that we all possess our discomforts, flaws, anxieties and triggers, such is human nature. We must remember that we are fallible and are not invincible, so to embrace us for us.

Knowing that this too shall pass, is a gargantuan reminder of the importance of progressing with every baby step implemented. As all moments, feelings and emotions shall pass. So whether we feel wonderful or icky about a certain situation, holding the concept that all passes, is significant enough to know that every moment should be cherished, as we learn, grow, conquer and become our authentic selves.

Expressing our fears, anxieties and individual peculiarities or intricacies is never a terrible conversation to be had as we are all beautifully unique in our own light!

Here I stand and continue as Maddie. The feelings of icky-ness, dread, anxiety of sitting and all.

This is me. Beautifully me!

I greet you kindly dear friends and appreciate you all with your own beautiful moments of icky-ness and unease.

All of my love, thoughts and hugs always,

Maddie x

ME!!! Here I am, embrace me as you desire ❤️

7 thoughts on “Icky-ness!

    1. You are wonderful also! An empowering young woman and beautiful Mother. Capable beyond means 💕 thank you Kaitlyn for your constant support. I cherish and adore you wholly xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Maddie, you WILL soar of that I’m certain, but by definition “soar” means to take to the air and leave ALL ELSE behind. The concept is soo simple and pure. Your door is not locked .. just open it, walk out and take to the air.

    Step 1 .. open door
    Step 2 .. step out
    Step 3 .. fly

    Or you can stay .. take a pick. Sorry Maddie, may sound cruel but I have been there twice and I can talk.

    Don’t you wanna spread your wings and fly?
    Don’t you wanna really live your life?
    Don’t you wanna love before you die?
    What are you waiting for wow?
    You know you gotta give it your all
    And don’t you be afraid if you fall
    You only living once so tell me
    What are you, what are you waiting for?
    Don’t you wanna learn to deal with fear
    Don’t you wanna take the wheel and steer
    Don’t you wait another minute here
    What are you waiting for wow
    (Nb)

    Goooo Maddieeeeee !

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Nothing is locked or fixed. I agree. Life is for us all to embark on individually, whatever that means to us all? Concepts appear simple enough through words and reasoning, it is simply implementing which is the arduous component. When all feels congruent, the time to truly soar, well and truly beyond what is desired to fulfil one’s immeasurable desires, shall prevail. I can sense it for us all! ✨ I appreciate your response and kind reminder 💛

      Like

      1. Ever jump off a cliff or ledge without analysing water temperature or what lies just below the surface or if there is a presence of poisonous sea snakes or sharks or if there is sufficient depth etc? Ever tried Just Do It or with a It’ll Be A Blast attitude or without a thought in the pursuit of adrenaline? Pure blind faith as a child does when it says catch before it jumps at you?

        Liked by 1 person

  2. “This meant that I was challenging myself. Small steps possibly, yet these increments propel one forwards to eventually take giant leaps of faith.” – How true. So simple yet elegant, your insights are truly thought-provoking.

    You are embraced! And the world has embraced you back. Thank you so much for this 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    1. As are you kind soul! Continue to sing your song at the top of your lungs. Fill this world with your journey and all goodness that you possess. You are embraced, adored and respected profoundly beyond measure. Please never neglect this fact! For I shall be present to remind you ☺️

      P.S. you eloquently write stimulating mine and a plethora of other minds. Thank you for educating and inspiring us 🙏🏻

      Liked by 1 person

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