Mandatory, scheduled and fleeting Doctors appointments. One either has no aversion to, loathes or maintains a neutral perspective on the social gathering of sorts. Fortunately, I have consistently been blessed with wonderfully understanding, patient, realistic, pragmatic and compassionate Doctors, all with the exception of one disheartening encounter (there is always an exception to every rule, correct?).
The past six weeks I recalcitrantly avoided making an appearance for my weekly scheduled Doctors appointments like they were the plague! The reason was not at all due to my Doctor, NO!! My Doctor is the loveliest lady one could ask for in a Health Professional. Rather, it was my avoidance subsequent to immense inner fear, manifested like a bubbling soda awaiting to have the lid twisted eagerly off for the chaotic explosion to ensue. This all sounds utterly dramatic. However, Anorexia Nervosa has a propensity to allow one to avoid and fear all, the importance of health circumstances included (clearly evident in my physical appearance but also in my cognitions. Why Anorexia must you serve me so? You gravely inure me!!).
Fast forward to Wednesday of this week, whereby I visited my Doctor, to discuss further recovery progress options and examine my physical body and vital signs, as per usual. Long story, relatively condensed (do I ever construct succinct and minute messages or writing? I ask myself sometimes!), my vital signs were identical, blood test results had improved from last test although, still not within the “normal” (there is my “favourite” detested word repeated again…) range and my weight was exactly the same as it were two weeks ago when I was eating significantly less despite me feeling as gargantuan and as wide as a three storied abode and my Anorexic mind instructing me every second of the living day, that I have acquired a grand amount of weight since introducing more food.
Yes, I was simultaneously disheartened and petrified. Disheartened as I truly thought I would have gained at least some weight with the arrival of more food incorporated into my diet, the feelings, thoughts and emotions associated with this. Yet, terribly petrified as I now must consume double to triple what I am eating in order for my body to restore any resonance of stable weight. Something which, although necessary for survival and a life lived, is difficult to comprehend.
What lesson did I learn from this, apart from already being aware of my fast metabolism, which is simultaneously a blessing and a cruel curse at the best of times?!
I realised that my (OUR) mind/s are incredibly deceptive when they wish to be. The powerful mind is a tool which when used incorrectly can be amplified to belittle and misinform (I discovered that misinformation was awarded the 2018 word of the year, which I found rather underwhelming. However, ever since the words release, the and other permutations of the word, have been navigating their way into my sentences and writing due to being the only congruent word to express a certain situation or experience – fun fact for you all! Tangent and digression concluded!) one beyond means. You see, by introducing one more meal into my food repertoire, my mind automatically permitted me to feel, think and be my mind; leading a dismal, sombre, numb and depressive state, even though the one meal increase, evidently, did not do anything to me physically!
Subsequently, I am learning to accept that these thoughts which enter the mind, are merely that. Nothing more. Nothing less. Why should I analyse and calculate every single food and drink I consume or every last detail in my day? Why? Who genuinely instructs me to?
Appreciating my body, mind and soul and listening attentively to what it actually requires is all part of the process of recovery. Learning to negate the ingrained negativity and allowing new neural synapses connect to establish the promotion of healthier thoughts and routines and therefore behaviour, must ensue.
This experience taught me that I do not know myself, as Anorexia and the other associated mental illnesses, have shadowed my authentic voice and entity. I have become a feeble caricature, diminished into a lifeless soul, lacking purpose, strength, priorities and the effervescence of life.
So where to from now you may enquire?
Listening to my close family, friends and support networks, as my Doctor, although confronting and fearful as they speak the complete truth, is necessary to progress and if I do not adhere to the one’s who genuinely appreciate, love and know me, then how will I better myself? How will life be if I continue my life performance in the depths of the shadows?
Embrace, acknowledge and appreciate your individual support networks. They are present to assist one at every moment throughout the life journey. Do not fear them. Do not neglect them. Do not anger them. Yes, you can be upset, irate and irritated with them sporadically, but they are all caring for you out of the upmost concern, love and respect they ultimately possess for you. Embrace assistance liberally, as it is the power to success and one of the beauties of life. Receiving assistance will warm your soul, lessen your troubles eventually and provide you a thriving energy that you never thought you could muster.
Never relent on your journey, even though some days will prove more arduous then others whereby one cannot see a way through. But I am here to inform you that there IS a means through!! Do not give up beautiful souls! Live with perspective, hope, light, integrity, authenticity and love. They shall direct you correctly on your destined life path. Patience is a virtue and shall reward those grandly in the long term.
I extend my gratitude to every single individual; family, friends, colleagues, Doctors, Medical Professionals, Therapists, Sisters, Priests and those whom I have never even met whom have supported me along my journey thus far. I am indebted to you all. My heart is entirely full. Words fail me to adequately convey my gratitude and love for you all. However, please be reassured that such is bountiful and shall never waiver. You each hold a dear place in my heart. I adore and respect you all!
You are each a differing, flourishing flower, for which I am appreciative for having present in life, all represented as my colourfully vibrant bouquet.
Discover those who will enable you to shine brightly, to be your beautiful self at every moment and encourage you to pursue your dreams, as these lovely individuals are the diamonds of life.
Be kind. Be gentle. Be free.
All of my love, thoughts and hugs,
P.S. Below is a youthful photo of my beautifully supportive parents and twin sister. Without their constant presence, my life would not be so nor would I be existent on this earth. My love, respect and appreciation for these three souls is infinite!xx