Options, options, options. Life these days appears to be consistent of incessant options and decisions which will ultimately determine my destiny. Oh how maturity and governing a life of mental illness ensues.
Recently, three options were generously provided to me:
1. What do you want to alter / accomplish in order to regain optimal health? You will have to surrender to Libby (my twin sister); to adhere to all of her directions and prerogatives pertaining daily nutrition and fluid intake. If such becomes too arduous or a strain on the twin relationship, further, more aggressive medical action is to be implemented immediately (i.e. hospitalisation, the Mental Health Act etc etc.).
2. Prescription of Selective Serotonin Re-uptake Inhibitors to ensure more of the neurotransmitter, Serotonin, remains and is available to circulate in the brain to promote a “happy” mind.
3. Arrange and financially pay for weekly appointments with a Private Clinical Psychologist to establish and implement goals so to progress weekly.
Being the stubborn, independent, willing and assertive young woman that this journey has enabled me to develop into, I courageously selected option number one, as option number two I adamantly do not believe in, as I prefer a natural approach to treatment as opposed to the temporary use of Western Medicine and option three, quite frankly has never victoriously prevailed fortuitously previously. Therefore, why attempt again if such is redundant? I wish to build anew not restore the old!!
What have I allowed myself to delve into? I will agree now during this appointment with my Doctor, but shan’t listen to Libby or implement the agreed arrangement. I shan’t adhere. Anorexia IS the life I wish to lead, isn’t it? A life whereby I control my own destiny. Why should others dictate my journey? That is not being authentic? I am authentic so why am I being manipulated? How will others perceive me if I do adhere to Libby and restore weight? No one shall wish to socialise or be around me with the additional weight. Oh how loathsome I shall appear! How will I function with more nutrients? My stomach will have to expand and that is unpleasant; nausea, irritable bowel like symptoms, headaches, fluid retention, swelling, improved blood tests results and vital signs…all of which I am petrified of as I somewhat prefer what I embody currently. Will I like myself if I acquire more weight or deprive myself of more? Why am I defining myself by a number and how I reside aesthetically? Oh how superficial you are!!
Oh Maddie…STOP ANALYSING!!!!
The rumination and manifestation of thoughts whirled speedily throughout my mind, having absolutely no control to stop them from pouring invasively in.
Despite these thoughts, following an in-depth conversation with the adoring Libby and reassuring myself that all will be perfectly fine by attentively listening to her (a beautiful, indomitable, ambitious and strong young woman whom has endured numerous years of Anorexia Nervosa, depression, anxiety and OCD, someone whom I trust explicitly, whom I can argue and disagree dichotomously with and all matters be resolved instantly, whom cares and loves me for who I am, not how I look and who has my best interest at heart), I realised that if I have been able to surrender to the intangible Anorexia Nervosa for umpteenth years, certainly I can surrender to my best friend, soul sister and other half Libby? Why should I surrender to an illness which does not serve me, as opposed to not surrendering to the compassionate support networks surrounding me?
Although I wished to be in complete control of my recovery, by not having a Psychologist, not becoming an out patient at the Regional Eating Disorders Services once again, only receiving weekly to fortnightly blood tests and attending a medical assessment by my Doctor, in conjunction with eating on my own terms, I have unable to triumphantly restore weight and nourish my body independently.
This is not to suggest personal failure or defeat through the acceptance of the generous assistance provided nor is it me relinquishing my complete control of my recovery. I currently have entire onus of my recovery, yet am selecting to utilise the acquired tools and individuals supporting me to, hopefully, prosperously do so.
Yes, there are instances throughout life whereby we can accomplish tasks solemnly in an advantageous manner. However, majority of circumstances involve the assistance of others to allow us to progress forward, for the betterment of one’s health and well-being, self development, confidence, the ability to improve and to understand one’s authentic self.
Human connection is an incredibly powerful, special and invigorating gift when all unite for a certain purpose or cause. Such depicts the magical nature of life.
Never feel frightened, too proud or stubborn to seek assistance. It is such a profound step to embark on and to be aware that you are doing so for the better, is commendable and admirable in every way.
Yes one will experience a state of feeling raw, vulnerable, uncomfortable, exposed, out of one’s depth, angry, melancholy, anguish, inner turmoil, confused, delirious, stagnant, challenged, manipulated, petrified and inadequate. However, a journey consistent of change is never an easy feat. These feelings, emotions and thoughts will be deeply and abundantly felt.
It is learning to acknowledge and accept what is occurring so to transport oneself forward; to live in the now, to resolve all negativity from the past so to not project such forward into the now and future, to not live in the past or think too much of the future and to do something each day that shall reward one’s future self.
The past does not equate to the future. The only importance is what is occurring in the now. Time is now. Live well now!!
I have realised over the previous few days, that there are battles we must confront and conquer in life, through using the phenomenal support networks available. Fortunately, mine adore me for Maddie, not as the mental illnesses I possess. These are some of my masks, the caricatures I have created, which DO NOT serve me salubriously.
Life is for living, breathing, moving liberally, enjoyment, socialising, having purposeful employment, establishing supportive relationships, laughing, being authentic and leading a healthy and effervescent lifestyle holistically.
Life is too short to fixate one’s sole attention on a detrimental mindset and abuse towards the body. Live and adore every day as if it were your final, as one genuinely never knows what has the potential to stumble into one’s path. Be grateful for what one has in life and all that one bountifully embodies.
Utilise your support networks and be proud of doing so. Confront the uncomfortable nature of change so to become a happier, vibrant and more honest you!!
The world requires each of our individually unique and beautiful lights to illuminate this immensely troubled world.
At times what we anticipate to be utterly catastrophic, in reality once made to be endeavoured, is not all that execrable. We must learn to live with perspective rather than being submissive to debilitating fear, anxiety and all consuming preconceived notions.
I am compartmentalising positivity and auspicious quotes in my memory bank so to maintain all motivation and movement to diminish a plateau effect.
“The secret of change is to focus all of your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new.” ~ Socrates.
“The body achieves what the mind believes.”
“Not everything that is faced can be changed. But nothing can be changed until it is faced.” ~ James Baldwin.
“Do not give up. The beginning is always the hardest.”
Be kind. Be indomitable. Be bold. Be courageous. Be empowered. Be authentic. BE SPLENDIDLY YOU.
All of my love, thoughts and hugs always,
P.S. Today signifies day one of eating three meals (breakfast, lunch and dinner plus a teaspoon of honey post dinner with a cup of peppermint tea as who doesn’t prefer to be soothed prior to rest after an extensive day? Also, the anti-microbial, natural and pure honey!! Need I say any further? 🐝).
Thus far, I have consumed both breakfast and lunch which have proven troublesome to express the least, due to my current insignificantly small stomach, now gruesomely distended, physical symptoms of more food consumed and contending with a challenging mindset.
However, despite the discomfort and alteration in routine, I am allowing myself to continue by being rational towards how this nutrition will enhance my future. Weight restoration and nourishment will openly allow me to work and study once again, be an adult, to venture out of home to flat, to travel once again and to be the contented Maddie I once was.
Sometimes we have to alter the language / vocabulary implemented to allow progression to eventuate. I am using the terms “weight restoration” as opposed to “weight gain” and “nourishment” compared to “eating”. Manipulating the way we converse about change or anything in life, permits new neural connections to be established and subsequently a newfound and conducive routine. Love and respect yourself. Embrace the dismal days and triumph in the pleasant. You are doing the absolute best that you can. That is all that is asked of one xx