From the beginning of our relationship,
You joyously held my frail hand along the way,
Informing me that all would be fine if I stayed,
Listening to your every word, believing that you were the truth,
Oh, how my mind was utterly frayed and confused!
You preyed on my vulnerabilities, seething deep into my insecurities.
You allowed me to believe that I was wanted and accepted by you,
My life revolved around your every word, instruction and command,
Life was incomplete without your constant presence and demands,
Yet, I could never understand why every day I felt incredibly used?
Your power and manipulation enveloped me at every opportunity,
Causing me pain, suffering, depression, anxiety, loneliness and fear,
I thought that we were one, but there truly was no such concept as unity.
You kept me awake most nights, analysing how I could relieve myself of weight,
Tossing and turning until I could no longer await,
The compulsive urge to exercise, restrict my food and water intake,
To become smaller and weaker by the day, to adhere to an image that you held so dear,
Never did I question you. Never did I fear you. Never did I disobey you,
My obedience and loyalty was honest, real and true.
How could my world not involve you?
Each day proved exhausting, consumed by meaningless activities,
I was a loyal slave to your empire,
One where I never thought I would surrender.
Until death would accept and banish me of your debilitating caress,
This I admit, death I did not fear,
Rather it was something I wished to embody; a type of finesse.
Why were you my only companion, when you eradicated my soul from my living self?
I became only a shell, with lifeless eyes
Dull, with no surprise.
I became weak in every way, but you never neglected to remind me of why I must remain.
You were a litany in my head,
Inflicting a struggle like no other, where each moment of the living day, I felt tirelessly drained.
My shell became weakened, limited to an ethereal existence,
Despite my desire to end my life, you were persistent,
The raucous noise in my mind became all to consuming,
That most days I felt like self-abusing.
Multiple punches to the face, standing with knives, crying and yelling at those I deeply loved,
Was an easy task, when you informed me that I was no longer worthy,
Oh what strife!
My mind was fragmented, who was I? I did not know what to believe,
There was no sincere reprieve,
From your deceptive ways and controlling demeanor,
Every hospital admission was an arduous experience,
As I was compelled to deceive you from those who cared,
These stays enticed me to become stronger, but you developed to be bitterly meaner,
You exacerbated my every thought,
Whereby I was a risk to myself, wishing I was no longer a living human.
I thought that being thin, a perfectionist, controlling, lifeless and alone was important,
You taught me to loathe myself and life,
Which to many would appear unfortunate,
But to me this felt perfect!
You see, death was my only option,
To cease this tragic life, that most days I wish there was a potion,
To lead me to my Heavenly Father where I would discover peace,
Whereby my anorexic self could be converted,
To the person I was graciously created to be.
Fortunately, the day arrived where I realised that you were entirely demented.
I no longer wanted to fear myself and live a life of meaningless activities,
I longed for a family, friends, partner, career and to enjoy all of life’s wonderful festivities,
You prevented me from each of these,
Enveloping me in some form of horrendous incarceration where I felt suffocated, stagnant and could no longer breathe!
Fighting you took every ounce of power, courage, confidence and might,
Yet it was a battle I was willing to confront with every particle of my being,
To never give up and fearlessly fight.
You began to foolishly cry, plead and beg me to stay loyal to you,
Relentless in your desperate attempt, to keep me as a disciple of your almighty tribe,
How cowardly this act was? Could you not stand up and be strong?
Or did you require me to elevate your ego so that you were never accused of being wrong?
The weakness that you inflicted on me, was not fair,
Your cruel, vicious and heartless entity was your insecurity and not mine to bare.
Each day I grew mentally and physically stronger,
Pushing your voice to the background of my mind,
I stood tall and delightfully watched your existence crumple,
Escaping my body, determined that you would never linger.
You desperately tried to grip onto me in every way,
Failing at each attempt as now you became betrayed,
By my strength and comprehension that you were never my ally,
In fact, you were a parasite, a dementor, a lifeless soul,
Who could never be believed completely.
You prey on those who have much to offer life,
Sensitive souls, who you discover “easy options”,
However, you underestimate us in our ability to stand up and unite
A powerful, potent concoction,
That frightens you beyond repair,
Leaving you belittled, disengaged, lifeless, stagnant and uncared for by our revenge,
Which is sweeter than sweet.
Watching you in a flux of disarray.
Your life cycle is almost complete, but I mustn’t get carried away.
Delightfully, you have permission to disembark on your journey Anorexia as you no longer reside in my heart.
My soul, life and happiness have returned,
You are no longer to re-emerge, as I have become cunningly smart.
So I farewell thee most kindly,
Please willfully accept this invitation,
I thank you most sincerely for selecting me as one of your victims,
As I have learnt to be fearless, courageous, confident and whimsical,
You have allowed me to realise that you are not who I am,
You mean absolutely nothing to me, as I now and have always possessed all of the wisdom.
Anorexia, it has been a terribly turbulent, tortuous and tumultuous journey,
One where I have laughed, cried, shouted, expressed expletives, hidden and written,
But I am now enlightened,
Believing that I am beautiful, no matter what shape, size or personality I acquire,
I am loved, respected and cared for by those who believe in me,
I am no longer frightened of you,
At this statement you may greatly perspire?
But if I am to be perfectly honest, I am smitten,
With the life that is awaiting me.
So please commence your journey away from my soul and leave us alone!
I eagerly implore you to cease all attachment to other souls similar to me,
As you cannot feed off us all,
To constantly support and stabilise you when you fall.
You can try to return at any stage,
However, I must gravely disappoint you that your presence shall not be welcomed,
Not with your hideous smirk, emaciated image and depressing tone.
You are weak, repugnant and cruel.
I shall no more listen to your unrealistic rules!
You can no longer torment me or tightly clasp my hand,
As we are no more one person,
I am me and you are you,
This separation is most possibly true.
Anorexia, I greet you as it is me, it is I.
I stand tall,
Proud as a warrior, a survivor,
Where I am no longer your victim or one in disguise.
~ Maddie x
Although Anorexia has been part of my life for numerous years and is currently dominating, I constructed this poem or piece of writing prior to me embarking on my travelling journey, earlier this year.
It is a means to present my determination to relax the grips of Anorexia, so to love and live life abundantly.
Live your life by being yourself.
We are all entitled and worthy of a pleasant life. Never neglect this!❤️
Love, thoughts and hugs always,